Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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