I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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