I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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