My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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