I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
