I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
