but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
