Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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