JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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