I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
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I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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