I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
