first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
