Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
