I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
