you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
