Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
