omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize