I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize