Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
