Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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