onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
