Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
