i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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