I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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