don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
