We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
