My sheets look like a crime scene.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
