I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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