Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.