I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.