I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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