Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
God, I missed his penis.
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