wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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