Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
