Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
