Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person