There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.