now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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