I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Drunk is not a location!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
