Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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