I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I look better un-naked...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
