Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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