My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
