all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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