I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
