I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
