i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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