saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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