There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
