oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
