sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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