At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
