My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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