Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
