I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
