I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
