Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
