we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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