She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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