Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Randomize
