He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
