i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
