I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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