May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
