??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
